Fiction — May 18, 2015 11:09 — 0 Comments

The President’s Hairdo – Beau Golwitzer

The President came out with a new hairdo.

Previously, the President had sported, not by choice, a simple white ribbon of hair wrapped from the left side to the right side of his head.

But now the President’s new hairdo was a big, 1950s-style blonde beehive.


The first anyone saw of the new hairdo was when the President made an announcement of it in the Rose Garden during a July press conference.

He started this announcement by saying, “Do you like my hair?” and then he touched the hair in a dainty little way.

The press had a lot of questions.

They wanted to know about “hairdo interests.”

The President scoffed at the suggestion of “hairdo interests”—Was there even such a thing?

No one really knew.

So it had to be looked up.

It turns out there wasn’t such a thing.


The President’s new hairdo was regarded as a great success.

People said it made him look confident.

There was a concomitant growth in his approval ratings.

People started to wonder what it would have been like if George Washington had sported a beehive ‘do, or Abe Lincoln.

Then they tried to imagine Woodrow Wilson with one too, but no one could remember Woodrow Wilson.

Was he the one with glasses, or the one with a tomahawk implanted in his skull?

The former was Roosevelt, the latter Jackson.

What had happened to memories of Woodrow Wilson?

No one knew.


At an international meeting, the President’s new hairdo was all anyone could talk about it.

The President of France put his fat little finger against the hairdo’s elaborately lacquered sides.

Then the President of France giggled.

When the President of France giggled, the Prime Minister of England couldn’t help but giggle, which got the German Chancellor giggling.

The Prime Minister of India was giggling too, and his belly jiggled as he giggled.

The only one who did not giggle was the President of Brazil, but this was because she had a sore throat.


Back home, the President’s reputation continued to soar.

Towns renamed themselves after him, some for his hairdo.

An assassin went on the news and said whereas before he was determined to assassinate the President, now he had thought better of it.

A different assassin went on the news and said he was going to save his next assassination for someone else.

Another assassin went on the air and showed people how to assassinate someone, while saying he also would not assassinate the President because he really liked his new hairdo.


Unfortunately for the President, he was in the last of his two terms, and so could not capitalize on his new-found popularity.

When his term was up, the people elected, in something of a surprise, the President of France.

One of the reasons they gave for electing the President of France was that once during the campaign he had gotten stuck from the waist up in an open manhole and no one could dislodge him for several hours but he never seemed unhappy during this time.


Despite everyone pretty much liking the President of France, still there was a hole felt in the nation’s heart for the former President with the hairdo.

And this hole was big enough that Congress decided it would take a vote about having the former President back.

This vote went really well and the President with the hairdo was asked to be President again, but Congress worried a little bit how the President of France would take this, being deposed as President.

But upon being approached about stepping down, the President of France said he was fine with it and then he giggled like a fucking maniac.

Which sent the whole country into a giggling fit.

And this giggling fit lasted several weeks.


When this country-wide giggling fit was finished, the President with the hairdo was brought back into the White House on the back of a large white stallion.

This was the first time anyone had done something like that.

However, it had not been a good idea to bring the stallion directly into the White House because it tore the place up pretty good.


The first law the President with the hairdo passed was to outlaw second terms.

The second law the President with the hairdo passed was that he could be President forever.

Everybody really liked this idea.

And I hope I live forever, he announced the day he announced this law.

Everyone else hoped he would live forever too.

But he didn’t—he died a few years later.

They kept his hair, however, and hung it in the foyer of the White House, where it still hangs—it’s just hanging there, but it’s special.


Beau Golwitzer’s writing has appeared in Hobart, Necessary Fiction, and elsewhere. He lives in Amsterdam.

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The answer isn't poetry, but rather language

- Richard Kenney