The self-administered questionnaire meant to identify Martians produces frequent false positives: the English, rural Canadians, anyone raised without a television. Talking horses. False negatives could be happening just as frequently, it’s hard to know. There’s no other way of identifying the Martians, it’s only this take-home exam with the stamped pre-addressed envelope. Most everyone could be a false negative, and eyeing us, and reading our minds, and nightly detentacling. As with other tests designed by this service, and fairy tales, and much of adult life in general, there have been no true positives.